“The secret of life…is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.” - Paulo Coelho, from The Alchemist
A BIG Thank You for all your support, girls!! I read each comment and took in everything you said. I appreciate you all so much!!
I had no idea that after writing that post and getting just a small part of my STORY out there how much BETTER I would feel. It feels like my load has been lightened and now I'm ready to tell the rest of my STORY....
So...by May I was pretty much a wreck. Between trying to parent, earn money, figure out how to make $20 buy our groceries for the week, keep up with the house, activities, etc, etc...I was a hot mess. Along with all of this I was still trying to teach The Old Testament to our youth at church every morning. It was so difficult. My kids would rarely go...everyday had become a battle of wills. Here I was trying to teach our youth how to live good lives and I couldn't even get MY own to go listen. Everyday was just filled to the brim with stress. My headaches were daily...which only added to our financial burden...migraine pills cost a lot.
There was a ray of sunshine that month though. My son, Jackson had the honor of competing in the State Optimist Club Speech weekend. They paid for our room as well as a few meals. I cherish our time together there!!!
I tend to EAT when things get tough...and this time has been no exception. I have found myself eating my way through late-nights and hard times. This is the highest my weight has been. Nothing fits and with no funds...well, I've had to make do. My "uniform" since spring has been those same khaki drawstring pants.
I HATE THEM.
I plan on burning them once I feel normal again. Oh, what a happy day that will be:)
Okay...so it's June....and we NEED MONEY. We have financial obligations we HAVE TO fulfill. We do have other incomes besides our core business that we had shut down and thankfully that was paying some of our large notes...but the day to day stuff...like the light bill and cable and food....those funds were drying up FAST. We talked about shutting off our Direct TV and phones and just doing without that stuff for awhile. But then we'd get a payment in or something would happen and we could pay the bill.
Living this way is not fun...it is incredibly stressful!!! Once we are through this....NEVER again will I do this....
Anyway...our lawsuit was settled...now we knew the number. It wasn't a quarter of a million dollars but it's big. And it has to be paid. We are still working on this diligently trying to get a loan. Please keep us in your prayers. The deadline is November 1st.
Along with the lawsuit comes lawyers fees. UGH. They are awful...but so grateful we have had such spectacular ones.
If all of this weren't enough to send me to an early grave....my dear, sweet, amazing friend...the woman I told everything to. The woman I walked with every morning, laughed with , cried with and bared my soul to....
She moved away....clear to Utah. Over 1,000 miles. Away.
The morning she told me the news I knew something was up...she looked at me and started to speak and I knew. I took a deep breath and finished her sentence....you'r moving. I cried. I stopped. I smiled. I tried to be happy for her. I knew this was something she had wanted. Her family lives in Utah and she was missing them something fierce.
So here I was....all alone. I mean there were plenty of people here....but the one friend I trusted my heart with had left.
I miss her today but thankfully we keep in touch and I am planning a trip to see her this summer.
So let's assess where I am so far....
*shut business down, lose most of income
*loved one making poor decisions causing me to stay up late and worry, not knowing where they are....
* another loved one gets arrested
*migraines daily and stress level so high, eating all the time, gaining weight
*no joy in life
*loss of all sense of fun, not caring about much of anything
*best friend moves away
*income drying up, don't know how long we can keep this up
*haven't made a house payment in months, should we move???
WHEW. Just looking at all that makes my head spin and makes me wonder...."Is this as good as it gets? Is this where my life is always gonna be? What happened to my life?? Where did it go? This isn't what I had envisioned....not at all...."
I felt like a lost soul...wandering around my life...not sure where to go next.
But the thing I kept coming back to...throughout all of this past year...is my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ. They are what saved me....they are saving me right now.
I pray daily to Father in Heaven and I KNOW he hears me. I have seen His hand in my life, in my husband's life and in my children's life. Miracles have found there way into our situation...true miracles. There were times we needed a bill paid and we'd get a check in the mail for that exact amount. The Lord has our life in His hands and He is guiding our way.
Through the summer my dear, loving daughter and I have not only regained our relationship be we are closer are now than we have ever been. I love her dearly and am so grateful for the lessons she's teaching me.
These two kids of mine have been through a lot since January. If they told you their STORY I think they'd share a lot of sorrow, too. But I also believe they would tell you that they saw their Mom and Dad work hard to keep us a family. They saw us work hard yet take time for them whenever they needed us.
Here is what I've learned so far on my journey....
*you really can do without
*make most everything from scratch...it's cheaper!
*family is EVERYTHING, without them nothing matters
*say YES and quit nagging all the time!!
*if you must cry...don't do it all day...tell yourself you'll cry jut 5 minutes, then get over it and move on!
*movie theaters are over-rated...create a movie night at home
*keep a gratitude journal, all those little things MATTER!!!
*keep blogging and sharing my STORY, it heals!!!!
*I am not alone
*I CAN do hard things!!!!
*I AM A BRAVE GIRL...I am!!!!
*Praying together as a family brings about miracles!!
* People really CAN change!!!
There are soooo many more lessons I have learned...those are just a few off the top of my head.
So here I am today...it's September, 2012. My life hasn't gotten a whole lot easier....but it's BETTER. I have a job! I am an official substitute teacher and will be working this week at our elementary school as an Art Teacher!! It will feel so GREAT earning money for our family. My kids are doing AMAZING!!! I am sooooo PROUD of where they are in there lives right now!! Jackson is teaching kiindergarten 2 hours a day and getting ready to graduate in May. Em is a LIGHT and standing TALL with COURAGE!! She is making the RIGHT choices and I am soooo proud of her!!!! We are still behind on our house payments and are hoping we don't have to leave our home. We do have a back-up plan if that happens. We still need money for the lawsuit and are working to get that. Please keep us in your prayers!!!!!!
My life isn't perfect....but you know what...it is MY life. I am LIVING it. And yes, it's been so hard this year...but I can SEE that I am blessed. The Lord is here, with me and my family. He has never left and He never will.
Maybe this is as good as it gets...but I don't think so. I think there are sooo many GRAND things planned for me in my life...in my children's lives....this is only the BEGINNING....
Obstacles are like wild animals. They are cowards but they will bluff you if they can. If they see you are afraid of them... they are liable to spring upon you; but if you look them squarely in the eye, they will slink