It is such a secret place, the land of tears." -Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Last January I picked the Word STORY for my Word of the Year. You can read about my decision here. I promised not only you but myself that I would live TRUE. That I would TRY my best this year to be HONEST with all of you and share what's in my heart. Little did I know that this year...2012...would be the hardest year of my life. Filled with heart break, anger, frustration, stress and deep sadness like I've never known before.
True, I have held up my promises to a point...but you don't know the whole STORY. There are several reasons for that...one it's just too darn painful...I don't like reliving much of what's happened and two...due to legalities I'm unable to say a whole lot about certain things until after December 16th.
2012 started off pretty good. As many of you know my husband and I made the decision to shut our business of 22 years down. We had been franchisee's and with the rising cost of fees, product and taxes it was harder and harder to make a profit.
We expected hard financial time and we were prepared. We knew all the extras wouldn't be possible for awhile and we were okay with that.
By the end of January life as I knew began to unravel. We found ourselves in the middle of a quarter million dollar lawsuit. I felt lmy life spinning out of control. We had lawyers working on our case and they took any money we had coming in...I couldn't imagine it getting any worse...but then it did.
In February I found out someone so very dear to my heart was making very bad choices. I was blindsided...never saw it coming. The crack was growing bigger in my heart...what had happened to my life in two short months??
Lots of tears and anger and yelling and asking WHY????!!! This was how I spent my days. Sure, I'd stop by here to write a post...wanting so badly to share my truth. Wanting to reach out for help.
I was so alone.
April....things are looking up. The lawsuit is still looming over heads and money is hard to come by but we're okay. The person making poor decisions was getting better...the cracks in my heart were beginning to heal.
But then...just when I least expected it the phone rang. It wasn't good. Another dear one in my life had been arrested. I could feel my heart swell, ready to burst. Ready to break.
What had I done to deserve this? Hadn't I been a good mother, a good wife and friend. Wasn't I charitable and kind to my fellow man?
WHAT HAD I DONE TO DESERVE THIS??!!! WHAT????!
I have asked this question more times in the past 8 months than I have my entire life. I have grown closer to my Savior and I have been on my knees pleading with Him to come and rescue me.
As 2012 continues it only gets more difficult to put a smile on my face. There are good times to remember and I am holding to those precious memories with my life.
I will share of more of my STORY in the next post.
Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to me.
I am grateful for YOU!
You are brave, you are strong, you are kind . . . YOU did nothing to deserve the cards you've been dealt, my friend. But your courage and faith continue to provide all you need to make it through, and you ARE making it through all of it, one day at a time. I am proud of you . . . And will be here by your side if you need anything. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteLeslie..I will echo Leanne's words and say that you did nothing to deserve this. Life seems at times to just turn against us, rage at us, and throw all the crap it can at us, without giving us time to catch our breath. I'm not sure if it's just to test us, see if we can withstand the trials, the challenges, the potholes in the road. I do know that we will break, fall apart, cry, scream, throw our own fits and cry somemore. And that's totally OK......even if we stay there for awhile.....and then if we can stand up, brush ourselves off, grow stronger and closer to God, then when we are able to look back at the trial from a distance we will realize that it was for our learning experience and our growth. At least I hope so..I have to tell myself that all the time as I'm faced with some things that I never thought I'd have to deal with and situations that are kind of freaking me out. The way you have risen above and continue to show love and kindess is a gift and thank you for sharing your STORY, it benefits those who read it. I'm grateful to know you and call you friend.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Sharla
Les, I am reminded of a favorite saying my Mom always tells me when I feel like life is an uphill road. "If the Lord brings you to it, the Lord will bring you through it."
ReplyDeleteI realize you may feel alone, deserted and just plain sad. But the very fact that you are here, writing out and trying to come to terms with your struggles, is such a positive outlet. You are sharing and inviting your friends and loved ones to help you with the load. Good for you!
We are all here for you. You are thought of, loved and lifted up by so many more people than what you realize. You have an incredible life and you are blessed.
Love ya girl. Keep your head up and smile that gorgeous smile!
Keep sharing what you can, when you can. Don't let all this pain/difficult times cause you to curl up in a little ball and avoid everyone around you...
ReplyDeleteI know that temptation (even though I don't usually struggle with depression) from a few years ago when we walked through (crawled through? fought through? stayed in one place and wailed through?) a very difficult year (with cancer, job loss, the death of a son and resulting mental health issues for one family member)...
Yes, our God is big enough to handle your anger and your tantrums...and He will still be there to hold you close when you are exhausted from the fighting...
Do what you need to do...and keep on talking with others. Many of us don't know you personally...but we can try to encourage...and we can PRAY!
I am so glad that you are finally able to let some of it out. I know for me, one of the hardest things would have been to hold it all in and not be able to tell my "story"...I could feel your pain and in every post, wished I could do something and prayed to the One who could.
ReplyDeleteA dear friend gave me a poem when I was suffering, and basically it said that the embroidery from the underneath as we look up seems all knotted and ugly - but above where God weaves his plan it is a beautiful perfect tapestry. I still cling to that because no one gets an easy ticket here - life is hard, life is learning, and love always wins ;-)
Hugs.
Hello.. you dont know me from Adam and honestly I dont know you. I was looking for blogs on Organizing my house and found you somewhere and loved your inspirational art work.... my 2 cent. GOD WILL GET YOU THROUGH IT! 4 years ago today 9/14/08 actually my 42 yr old sister died Brain tumor leaving 3 children 7-11-15. Buried her 9/17/08 I was 6mths pregnant at the time. 3 years ago tomorrow 9/15/09 my husbands grandfather passed away...another funneral on the same date 1 year apart 9/17/09. The next year I held my breathe all month..2010...again 2011 and here it is again same week... my Grandmother is on hospice care... will it be 9/16/12?? I dont know. Only GOD knows.... I am sorry life has been hard.... and it isnt fair and I dont know why we have to go through so many heartaches. But you are only responsible for yourself you can only answer for what you do. And on Judgement Day that is all GOD will ask you about your choices in life and how did you help Glorify his kingdom? The rest you can only pray and leave it up to GOD to work it all our for his purpose. I have a close friend had a baby her 3rd...I had been trying to get her to church.... she gave me every excuse... she gave birth and then the next day had 2 major strokes.... a month later now she is still struggling to regain her right side with a newborn, a 7yr old and a 12 yr old.... but through this she found GOD! Her whole family found GOD. GOD had a purpose for her stroke. he has Gotten her THROUGH IT! And he will get you Through everything in life just lean on him. And VENT! If I didnt VENT I would blow up! But I take a Deep breath and know GOD WILL GET ME THROUGH ALL THINGS>... as always GODS will is done! Tam... PS can you take pic of some of your art work I would love some for my daughters rooms.... it is so inspiring!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story! For the first time in nearly 23 years I am unemployed. Because I brought in most of the money we lived on it is very difficult and my husband does not bear stress well so our marriage is also affected. Knowing I am not alone, reading your words encourages me. So thank you, again, for your bravery in sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty, Leslie. I hope that sharing your story will be part of your process in staying strong and getting through to the other side. You have HUGE support from your online friends, that is for sure! :-)
ReplyDeleteAlthough it's hard to believe when you are deep in mess, the answer to your question of what you had done to deserve this is that He knows how very strong you are and just how much you can take and still hold up. Les, always remember that if He brings you to it, He'll get you thru it. And you'll come out the better for it. Hugs, my friend!! We're here for you!
ReplyDeleteBrave girl.....you can always find happiness in something....even on those darkest days....remembering this will always help....xxx
ReplyDeleteLeslie,
ReplyDeleteI can't tell you what a difference you have made in MY life. I signed up to take your Mind,Body, Soul class because I was not in a very good place in my life at the time. Your honesty and support has helped me to practice courage and give myself permission to search and follow my dreams. Thank you.....and know that I will be praying that things work out the way they are meant to be. Love Jean