Pouring Out My Heart

"I believe there's an inner power that makes winners and losers. And the winners are the ones who really listen to the truth of their hearts."  -Sylvester.


The Truth is...my heart hurts.
And I didn't really realize just how much it hurt until I read one of my favorite artist's blog last night...Melody Ross from Brave Girls Club. As I read her story, her struggles all I kept thinking was how in the world she had gone on for as long as she had without help. But then I realized...heck, I have had FOUR YEARS of non-stop stress and sadness and anger and loss in my life, yet I am always trying to "be happy" and act like all is well.

The plain Truth is this....

It's not.

In Melody's case all of her stress's were manifesting themselves in big, ugly hives all over her body and face. Not only were they painful physically but emotionally. Can you imagine having your eyes swell on any given day and you already feel yucky and out of sorts but now you look that way, too? How awful!

But as I was reading her story I began to think of MY story and how MY story is affecting me...and I KNEW it was TIME to tell MY story...to get it all out there...so I can start fresh... so MY heart is full of joy again. Full of Truth and Love.

So I can start at Day One.

My story starts three years ago. That's when we made the decision to close our Domino's Pizza Franchise down. I could never have imagined how that one thing would change my life (both good and bad). I also never could have NEVER, EVER imagined how complicated and sorrowful my life would become...or how STRONG and BRAVE I could be.

My dear, sweet family right in the middle of our mayhem. 

In order for me to heal I decided to write every, little thing I could think of...anything that's been weighing on my heart these past three years. I want it on paper, tucked away in my drawer and OUT of my heart!! No matter how big or how little, I just wanted all the stresses out where I could SEE them and not FEEL them.

 I am going to share some of them with you...not so you can feel sorry for me or judge me or whatever, but I am hoping if any of you are going through these things...that maybe you will read this and say to yourself "I am NOT alone...someone else has felt this way, had this happen to them and they are healing...they are making it through."

So many, many hard, painful things my dear sweet family has been through...the hardest has been watching one of the dearest, sweetest souls I have ever known go through so much pain. This loved one has been broken...her heart, she thought beyond repair. Consumed with sadness and darkness our hearts have been ripped to shreds. Worry and grief overtake me at times but then I turn to my Father in Heaven and KNOW she WILL be whole again.

These kids of mine...I don't know what I would do without them. They bring me joy and my heart is full of love for each one of them...their unique talents, the way they make me laugh...they way they make our family complete.

My cuties 14 years ago

There have been times when a gallon of milk was too expensive and a shake from Sonic was a real treat. I have watched my husband put in long, hard hours making sure we could pay our bills and put food on the table. I have also watched all the stress take a toll on his body. I worry about him and pray everyday for his stress to be taken away.

We have been through cancer with his Dad...stage 4 pancreatic...and my Mom with stage 2 breast cancer.

My heart is so many places...with my children, my husband, my Mom, his Dad, friends going through struggles...it is being stretched so thin...so very thin. At times it hurts. At times I am numb to all of it.

I sit in front of the TV and eat. I eat to console myself...to forget about the stress of the day.

Throughout the past 3 years my migraines have become unbearable at times. I keep a pain journal and my headaches and body pain always is present during a stressful day/week/time.

Sometimes I am so unhappy that I withdraw from the world. I tend to wrap myself up in a cocoon not wanting to see anyone...afraid I will I have to put my happy face on and pretend.

So this amazing woman Melody Ross from Brave Girl's Club...she has taught me so much about myself...about how BRAVE I really am.

And
I
AM.

I am brave.

I AM BRAVE!

But I am tired.

And I am tired of not being me.
Of not choosing things authentically.

I need to rest from the stress.

I need to surround myself with what TRULY makes MY HEART sing. What fills me up. Oh yes, I am quote aware that there will still be stress in our lives...no getting out of that...but I need to RESTORE my soul.

To pray more.
Read my Scriptures daily.
Create.
Walk.
Rest.

And be OK when I am not perfect. Gosh, I am so hard on myself at times (most times)

I am a Beautiful Soul.
And so are You.
We all are.
We all have unique gifts and talents.
We all have stress and grief.
But we need REST. We need to KNOW that we are OK exactly where we are at on our journey.

I have learned SO much from my sweet soul going through so much. She has taught me to enjoy the little moments. That it's ok to drop what I am doing and just HAVE FUN. To take time to be with loved ones...and to take time to just BE with myself...to chill, to REST. She has also taught me to TRUST and RELY on the Lord...for He is ALWAYS there to REST in.

Melody took the beginning of summer and went on a 100 Day journey of REST. I want to do the same...adding my own ideas to the challenge. Beginning this Monday, September 1st I am going on MY OWN 100 Day Journey. Fall is my very favorite part of the year...the weather, the cooking, the craft shows and fall festivals. Thanksgiving, Christmas...they all make my heart happy. On my 100 day journey I intend to spend more time laughing, contemplating, writing, spending time with my art, my girl, my husband. Connecting with my Mom and helping her on her journey as she faces cancer with grace and dignity. I am going to rest in Him. I am going to read my scriptures and take long walks. I am going to organize and let go of all the STUFF weighing on my heart.

I would love for you to join me on your OWN journey. Girls, we really are in this all together.

Thanks so much for letting me share my story...my heart. xoxo