Monday, June 27, 2011

Day One on my Life Journey



I am feeling very fragile and alone today. And though I didn't intend for this to happen...it has.

And honestly...it's a good thing.

I have been hiding my true feelings the past few months in order to make everyone around me feel okay.

But the truth is...the plain, ugly truth is...

I hurt.
I don't feel good.
I am trying.
I am trying to be brave and strong and good.

I just lost it this morning. My sweet husband and I were laying in bed talking about this amazing gift we are working on getting for ME!!! And while I should be so grateful and happy...I just burst out crying. At first I when he asked me what was wrong I danced around the truth, making a list of all the standard answers I usually say...but then the more I talked the harder I started to cry until I just couldn't speak because I was crying so hard and then that's when the truth came out....

"I feel soooo alone...with the pain." 

I then went on to say I only had 2 very good days last week and spent the rest of the week trying to figure out how to make the pain go away.

It was then I realized that I truly do spend the majority of my days trying to find relief. A pill, a massage, an ice bag, a heating pad, my massage chair...good grief it's what I do!!

"What do you do for a living?"

"Who, me? Oh, I try to come up with creative ways to mask my pain so I can function everyday with a smile on my face."

In Soul Restoration 2 we are working on creating this big, bold, beautiful life we want. Melody says we must remember that each and everyday is Day One and it's okay to begin again and again. Just as long as we don't give up the big, beautiful life that we were meant to live.

I so want to live my big, beautiful life. I want to live it and love it and be kind and good and happy.

I don't want to live with this pain. 

I don't. 

I am not gonna lie.

I am angry about it.

It makes me sooo mad. 

I go through days of saying out loud..."It's NOT fair. Why me?"

But then I remember my Savior, Jesus Christ and all He went through for me.

I think of this verse from John 10:10 that says....

"But if a man walk in the night, he stumbleth, because there is no light in him."

I don't want to stumble...for you see there is a light in me. The light of Christ dwelleth in me. I know my Savior lived and died for me. I know he suffered more than I could ever imagine.
I know that He is here for me.
He is my Comforter.

In Luke Chapter 8 verse 48 Jesus promises this...

"Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace."

Each and everyday I seek out that peace. I am trying to be still and remember that "this too shall pass".

Despite my very bad days I have very good ones, too. I am so, so grateful for them. My family. My art. My writing. You.


Today is Day One.


11 comments:

  1. Oh, Les. I can feel you in this post. Really feel you. And I wish I were there to give you a big hug. Because even though I know that my hug wouldn't make it all better - it might help for a few minutes.

    We are here honey, to live our lives as best as we can. We often have obstacles that stand in our way from being the person we want to be. But I admire those who are their authentic REAL selves more than those who 'try' to be. And I admire you for writing such honesty and real words today.

    Yes, you must remember all that the Savior has lived - because that will be your strength and help get through each day, when you think you can't. And know that you have dear dear friends (even those you've never met) who are here and who care.

    Hugs - my dear friend. I am thinking of you.

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  2. I'm sorry you're feeling badly. I do know from personal experience that I've grown more through hurt then I have in any other way. God always uses it. Always. But it does take a LOT Of faith and a LOT of time to work our way through the darkness to find the lesson. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Honestly I am, but I am glad that you're starting the healing process. Because that's what I hear coming through this post. You're aware and you're ready to begin. I'll say a prayer for you. :) All my love.

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  3. Thanks for your sweet comments on my blog. I have chronic pain issues and sometimes disappear from my blog for months when it is bad. I feel so fortunate to be able to create when I feel well. It really is one day at a time. Hang in there....you will have good days! :) Nan

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  4. I am so sorry my friend. My sweet friend. I am thinking of you and sending you good wishes and love, xoox

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  5. hey you....i know pain too...many of us reading your blog would...so many people live with it...don't feel bad that you "fake" it at times....i see that as an ability, even to pretend you have no pain even though it may be searing, is a good thing...its all about learning to live with it and it sounds like you are doing well at that, wish I could help you,,,just remember you are doing the best you can and you are allowed to have crying days...and THAT"S OK!!!!!I promise you...hope you concentrate on that beautiful thing you and your husband are planning for YOU today...take care...xxx

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  6. I am not sure what type of pain you're dealing with but I have chronic pain due to a severe back injury. I know how much it takes out of me both emotionally and physically...and spiritually? I've lost that one. I'm 30 and had to change my entire lifestyle. It's not fair and yes I'm very angry. I find what you say so inspiring and I wish you much luck on this journey.

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  7. Oh, Leslie. I feel your pain and wish I could ease it somehow. I hope you find some peace with your pain, dear. Keeping positive thoughts for you.

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  8. i sent you an email...you are loved..
    xo

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  9. Thanks so much for sharing. I'm sending you cyber hugs and love brave girl.

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  10. I am so blessed to have you as a Brave Girl Sister and by your post. I too live with chronic pain on a 24/7 basis. It is not easy by anymeans, but I have found relief when I am really focused on doing my artwork and when I really focus on my prayers for others. Also I had my pastor tell me sunday...Praise God in those times of pain. Even though you want to scream out and say... ITS NOT FAIR... I HURT...Praise Him anyway !! My heart and prayers are with you BRave Girl ...It is Day one !! Hugs...Krissi57 on BGC

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  11. Ahh...yes, today is day one brave girl sister! I, too, live in severe, chronic physical pain, and I very often feel SO very alone. And when I get very quiet (which is so hard to do with 4 young children running around the house taking from me what little energy I have left), I hear Him whispering to me, "I know your pain. I took your pain when I went to the cross." And in those moments, I am humbled and reminded that my pain is a mere smidge of the pain Christ suffered for me. Does it take my pain away? No. Am I still angry many days? Absolutely. I'm 36 years old, in leg braces, getting weaker by the day it seems, with pain getting worse all the time...while I sit here and wonder how much of my children's lives I'm missing out on or going to miss out on b/c of my pain. Is it fair? No. But no one ever said life would be. This is my journey and mine alone. I know that I've learned more through my pain that I've ever learned in the times of my life when I wasn't hurting. And I know that not one single tear I shed is ever wasted by God or ignored by Him. Hugs and prayers, brave girl!!! See you on the Red Carpet! ;)

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I appreciate your thoughts and ideas...they inspire me!! I will be visiting you soon. Have a CREATIVE day!!

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