I am feeling very fragile and alone today. And though I didn't intend for this to happen...it has.
And honestly...it's a good thing.
I have been hiding my true feelings the past few months in order to make everyone around me feel okay.
But the truth is...the plain, ugly truth is...
I don't feel good.
I am trying.
I am trying to be brave and strong and good.
I just lost it this morning. My sweet husband and I were laying in bed talking about this amazing gift we are working on getting for ME!!! And while I should be so grateful and happy...I just burst out crying. At first I when he asked me what was wrong I danced around the truth, making a list of all the standard answers I usually say...but then the more I talked the harder I started to cry until I just couldn't speak because I was crying so hard and then that's when the truth came out....
"I feel soooo alone...with the pain."
I then went on to say I only had 2 very good days last week and spent the rest of the week trying to figure out how to make the pain go away.
It was then I realized that I truly do spend the majority of my days trying to find relief. A pill, a massage, an ice bag, a heating pad, my massage chair...good grief it's what I do!!
"What do you do for a living?"
"Who, me? Oh, I try to come up with creative ways to mask my pain so I can function everyday with a smile on my face."
In Soul Restoration 2 we are working on creating this big, bold, beautiful life we want. Melody says we must remember that each and everyday is Day One and it's okay to begin again and again. Just as long as we don't give up the big, beautiful life that we were meant to live.
I so want to live my big, beautiful life. I want to live it and love it and be kind and good and happy.
I don't want to live with this pain.
I am not gonna lie.
I am angry about it.
It makes me sooo mad.
I go through days of saying out loud..."It's NOT fair. Why me?"
But then I remember my Savior, Jesus Christ and all He went through for me.
I think of this verse from John 10:10 that says....
"But if a man walk in the night, he stumbleth, because there is no light in him."
I don't want to stumble...for you see there is a light in me. The light of Christ dwelleth in me. I know my Savior lived and died for me. I know he suffered more than I could ever imagine.
I know that He is here for me.
He is my Comforter.
In Luke Chapter 8 verse 48 Jesus promises this...
"Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace."
Each and everyday I seek out that peace. I am trying to be still and remember that "this too shall pass".
Despite my very bad days I have very good ones, too. I am so, so grateful for them. My family. My art. My writing. You.
Today is Day One.